On a bus ride into town, I wondered out loud, “Why am I going to town?”
As I looked around at the billboards and the stores I thought, “Why do I look around?”
And I kissed the filthy ground…the first dry spot I found…
I didn’t have to wonder why I was laying down.
Before long I was too cold…took a bus back to the station,
I found a letter left by a pay phone with no return contact
And it read like a horn blown by some sad angel,
“Bunny, it was me…it was me who let you down”
It was the shyest attempt I’d ever seen at conversation.
But if I didn’t have You as my guide, I’d still wander lost in Sinai,
Counting the plates of cars from out-of-state,
How I could jump in their path as they hurry along!
And You surround me, You’re pretty but You’re all I can see
Like a thick fog…
If there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long.
And St. Cyril’s fair always came through the first week of September
But it’s already the 19th…and there’s no sign of it…
Yet I have a hard time remembering all the things I should remember
And a hard time forgetting all the things that I was supposed to forget.
And, Christ, when You’re ready to come back,
Then I think I’m ready for You to come back;
But if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
That’s okay, too…it’s, it’s really none of my business.
And if I didn’t have You as my guide, I’d still wander lost in Sinai
Or down by the tracks watching trains go by
To remind me: there are places that aren’t here.
And I had a well but all the water left,
So I’ll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath,
And if there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body…so long, dear
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Just a small update this week, due to my huge desire for sleep and to not be staring at another screen for too long. I just wanted to update you all on one of the goals I mentioned in my first post, which was to read 1 novel and 1 non-fiction book per month. So, I actually went one better and read three books in January (1 fiction, 1 non and 1 sort of)! It might seem like nothing to most people but I’m happy with it! I read Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods”, Simon Pegg’s autobiography “Nerd Do Well” and a book called “The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”.
I promise to provide some kind of review soon but right now I’m far too tired to think straight!
Excuses for doing or not doing things in day-to-day life are very easy to make, sometimes they can be genuine reasons behind decisions but more often than not they’re just a nice way of glossing over the truth. In sort of follow-up to my post on laziness before, I want to briefly mention excuses before moving on to something not altogether unrelated.
In my “list for 2011” I had a point where I said I’d start going for a weekly run. Over the last few years I’ve become very unhealthy, I’ve eaten a lot of rubbish and I was a smoker to boot, meaning my general level of fitness probably falls short of your average pensioner. So, let’s run, get fit, healthy body leads to a healthy mind and all that.
Well, seeing as January is nearly over it’s a good time to update you on my progress: ZERO! That’s right, nothing. I did run for the train a couple of times but that’s not really what I had in mind. My excuse? My new job has been very erratic and has left me exhausted, so I feel I should give myself a grace period, just to ease myself into work, then I’ll do it! However, the truth of the matter is that it’s just an excuse. I could run on my day off because even though they’re usually split, I do get 2 days off per week, taking an hour or so out of one of those days wouldn’t hurt.
Starting next week, I’m going to run on my day off. God knows how well it’ll go, but it’s time to put the excuses to bed and actually get on with living my life. I feel part of the problem I’ve had with moods over the last few years has been of my own doing, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that I’m a morning drinker prone to outbursts of profanity in public, I just tend to hover around “moaning old man” level. I think it’s because I got into a habit, bred from routine, of work-sleep-work-sleep-repeat.
Rather than actually investing myself in anything outside of work I simply let it become my life, no wonder I’ve not been happy-go-lucky. When I say investing myself in anything outside of work, I don’t just mean running. I mean anything, running, writing, reading, going out for a drink with friends a couple of times per month, anything. I think it’s pretty easy to fall into the trap of it, and I’m probably not alone in this. We go to work, we come home and do nothing, get under the feet/skin of our families and wonder what the problem is? It’s you, it’s me.
My goals in the past have been, unreachable, or have certainly felt like it. My goal for 2011 is lots of little steps to getting my own life back.
Another week down and time for another post. This week, however, something of substance, or so I hope. During the tail end of last week I realised something significant for me, I’m lazy.
“Well done, you lazy git, took you long enough” I hear you cry, but let me explain. Any time anyone has called me lazy in the past I’ve reacted poorly, as most people would, to the idea that I’m lazy. I work full time and have done for a few years now, since leaving school (that’s another story) and I’ve often put in extra hours with no come back. However, I am lazy when it comes to myself.
It’s been very easy for me in recent years to complain about things, which is why I’ve abandoned any kind of blog I’ve had before now, however it’s always been hard for me to actually do anything about the things that seem to rile me. I’ve never really forced myself to do anything for my own benefit, when for the benefit of those around me I’ll do things without second thought. I’m not saying I’m the most selfless person on the Earth, but I do feel like I’ve never put myself first, because that involves some hard work on my part!
This revelation has certainly changed my outlook and has, rather unexpectedly, relaxed me slightly. I need to learn to relax more, but I also need to learn to work harder, on myself. After that, well, maybe then I can balance the two.
Updating this once a week with something of substance shouldn’t be quite this hard, the real killer of creativity is routine, it was Picasso that said how all children are artists but the real test is staying one as you get older. He wasn’t wrong. Don’t get me wrong I know that people all over the world find time to do other things after they’ve finished whatever it is they do to pay the bills and I’m envious of them.
After I’m done with my day all I barely seem to be able to stay awake. Since my last update I fell asleep on the sofa every single evening after work, waking up grumpy only to head off to bed and not be able to sleep properly there, frustrating isn’t even close to how it’s felt lately with my sleep patterns.
I didn’t want this blog to turn into whining through, so let me end this here.
A week later and I’m flagging, I knew I’d never manage a post a day but I’m cutting it close on a Post a Week right now. My enthusiasm for the year has mostly disappeared in the past 7 days, aside from a wonderful Saturday night/Sunday with my long suffering girlfriend and her family.
At the tail end of the first post I mentioned my new job, I started it the day after that post and since then I’ve hit a downward slope. The job itself now, is not that bad, though it started awfully. However it has done me one favour, it’s finally allowed me to realise what I want to do with my life. I want to teach primary school! Unfortunately, as a retail manager, there’s very little chance of that happening, which is partly why I’ve ended up in a huge rut this week.
Before anyone pipes up about getting out there and making it happen, I’d love to, and I intend on volunteering in a school once I’m settled at work, in the hope of getting a job as a Teaching Assistant at some point in the not so distant future, getting out there and making it happen is costly, and I simply cannot afford to go off to university, nor would they accept me due to me not getting my A levels. Well done, young me, well done. You’ve really done it now haven’t you?
The only other thing to note is, I mentioned in the last post I’d be reading 1 fiction and 1 non-fiction book per month during 2011. Well, I’m making an effort to keep that up, January’s books are:
American Gods – Neil Gaiman
Nerd Do Well – Simon Pegg
So another new year means another chance at reinvention for a lot of people and despite the huge cliche that it is, I’m no different. The only difference with 2011 is my desire to make some real changes this year. My first one is to use a blog and not worry if nobody reads it, I’ve come to realise that writing for a make believe audience is a complete waste of time when I really should just be writing things for myself. My friend Mark (you can find his blog here) turned me onto the Post A Day project and it seems like as good a reason as any to get myself going, though all I’m going to commit to right now is one post per week.
I didn’t make any resolutions as such but I did make a list for 2011. My only goal for 2010 was to quit smoking and for a long time it was hard to quit and it felt like a failure even when I did eventually quit! However, now I have that successfully done I feel I need to push on and set myself many small goals for this year.
Some of the goals will lend themselves to this blog and the content you see here. I’ve set myself the goal of reading one novel and one non-fiction book per month, in an effort to get my reading back up to a level where it was a couple of years ago before I got lazy, so you’ll probably find book reviews or nuggets of things I learn from said books up here.
I also intend to start running and get myself more, so who knows, I might post my embarrassingly shoddy run statistics up here (I’m going to use RunKeeperPro or one of those Nike+ things to record all my progress). I’ve set a starting goal of one run per week and we’ll see how it goes from there.
I’m also going to learn to cook so I can prepare some fantastic meals for my wonderful girlfriend and I to tuck into in an evening (and even some tasty leftovers for the dog, maybe) so you may get updates and/or photos of my culinary experiments as I get started with that. Following on with that, more photos! I have a rather lovely Nikon DSLR and a Holga that rarely get touched so I also intend to use those more too.
With all that going on I should have more than enough to keep my Post a Week going in 2011.
Oh and I start my new job tomorrow too, busy busy busy.